This week in the news

In the news this week:  Al Gore wins a Nobel Peace Prize for a bunch of horse-shit. (still better than Yassir-Arafat’s win for “not killing anybody lately”)  Alfred Nobel’s ghost is quoted as saying, “What the hell are you dumb-asses doing?”  Al Gore recently won an Oscar, will win the Pulitzer later this year, won the blue ribbon at the Box Elder County Science Fair for his presentation “Global Warming is not our friend”, and is a current favorite to be America’s Next Top Model. 

 

California passes a Micro Stamping law, mandating a technology that doesn’t exist, and doesn’t work, thereby pretty much banning semi-automatic handguns.  This is one of the dumbest laws ever.  The idea is that all new guns will have this magical technology that will stamp the serial number on the brass and bullet the instant a shot is fired.  Which means that scumbags will now pick up your brass at the range to sprinkle over the crime scene, while they shoot a revolver.  Schwarzenegger signed this piece of crap, once again proving that he’s about as Republican as Che Guevera. 

 

Congress boldly condemns the Armenian genocide that happened 90 years ago, and alienates one of our only allies in the middle-east in the process. (next up, a resolution condemning Portugal for the slave trade).  Our heroic representatives take a stand against the Turkish slaughter of Armenians, about four generations after the fact.  At this rate, the Congress of 2132 AD will be ready to address Darfur.    

 

Congress passes a resolution against talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, for something he didn’t actually say, because our elected reps and their legion of staffers are too friggin’ stupid to read a transcript.  But what does it matter, our reps and the news just make up the facts as they go along anyway.

 

General Ricardo Sanchez gave a 30 minute speech where 29 minutes and 45 seconds condemns the press for being a bunch of liars, propagandists, and anti-American douche bags that give aid and comfort to our enemy, while boosting the terrorist’s moral, and causing American soldier’s deaths.  15 seconds of the speech was about how Iraq sucks.  Guess which one got quoted a whole bunch?

 

And on the presidential campaign trail, on the Democrat side a Communist nincompoop and a Socialist harpy vie for supremacy, while the Republican side is being led by a liberal Democrat.  Hip-hip-fricking-hoo-ray.  What a fun time to be a conservative in America.  Rudy Guilliani, a paragon of everything that the Republican party stands for, except for that whole suing the gun companies into oblivion thing, demanding federal funding of abortions for poor people, just being an all around fascist jerk, and other little things like that, is leading the polls, because he happened to be mayor of New York when it got blown up.  Meanwhile, the Punditry keeps telling us why Rudy is The Awesome, because he’s the only one that can beat Hillary, even though for our side to win, we have to win all the South, where they just love to turn out to support anti-gun/pro-abortion/philandering/scumbags.  

 

Mitt Romney has won some polls, but he’s electable in Massachusetts, where he signed off on an assault weapons ban and gay marriage, both of which are core Republican values, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know right there.  He’s the favorite here in Utah, but that’s because many of the people around me are really stupid.  “Yay!  We’re the same religion!  That means he’ll be a great leader of the free world!” 

 

Fred Thompson is finally in it, and is getting some air time because he had the audacity to point out that the other Republican front runners weren’t technically Republicans.  This was rather shocking to the news media.  He did not, however, have the nerve to point out that Rudy is actually not human, but rather, is a Reptoid of Hollow Earth.  When asked about the allegations that he was a Reptoid, Guilliani put down the fetus sandwich he was eating, and responded “Hisssss, puny humans.  I’m the only one that can beat Hillary.  BWA HA HA!”   

 

In local news, Larry Correia won Halo 3 on Legendary, solo, because he rocks to a shockingly high degree.  His seven year old daughter was quoted as saying, “My dad is so cool.  He totally beat up the Covenant.  I’m glad it is over, ‘cause now I can watch cartoons again and he won’t hog the TV no more.”  Mr. Correia’s 2 year old was quoted as saying, “Muffa rg aldb!  AAAHH!  Hay-ho!  Hay-ho!  BOOM!” 

19 Responses

  1. I’m gonna vote for Ron Paul.

    Just sayin’.

    (To those who will come after me: I don’t care if he’s “unelectable”. I’ve voted a straight libertarian ticket for decades.. I’m pretty much used to the best man for the job not winning.)

    -Ogre (The one in New Mexico)

  2. Larry, you put the week’s events well. With any luck California will come to it’s senses regarding the Microstamping. The one that I struggle with is the 2008 Presidential election. I can’t see one that I like. Despite being a Utah Mormon, I still can’t stand Mitt Romney, although he did send my wife a letter offering to let her be in his inner circle of friends for the low, low price of $2500. It will be interesting to see who makes it to the primaries.

    Regarding our status as gun enthusiasts, I don’t think gun control will be much of an central, out in the open issue. Most politicians have been scared to death about really making a stand, and even Darth Hillary has be selective about where she brings it up. Her feelings have been made clear, but I don’t think she’s going to yell, “I want to take ALL your guns from you” when she’s still running.

  3. I laughed, then I cried, then I laughed harder.

    I also feel suddenly inadequate as a snarky ranter.

  4. I’m glad I’m just a dirty disenfranchised (legal) resident alien (thanks for the hot wife and job Teh USA!), or I’d be buggered trying to pick a “Republican” candidate that didn’t make me feel dirty inside.

    I guess I’d vote Fred, due to that cool Close The Borders, Punch The Hippies shirt…. and the scary thing is that makes my decision about twice as informed as 75% of the voters!

  5. “I’m voting for Ron Paul.”

    You hear this a lot. You see it spray-painted on sheets hanging over the interstate.

    Ron Paul isn’t ON the libertarian ticket. He’s running in the Republican primaries.

    Which means unless you’re a registered Republican or live in a state with open primary voting, you’ll never have the opportunity to vote for him because he’s not going to be on the ballot in 2008.

    My farvorite Ron Paul quote was when he said during the last debatet that in 220 years there had never been an imminent attack on the United States.

    I guess September 11th, Pearl Harbor, the Japanese invasion of the Aleutians, and when the British burned the White House to the ground in the War of 1812 don’t count.

    The man deserves a lot of credit for his commitment to the Constitution. He needs to crack open a history text once in awhile, though.

    (This is the part where the Ron Paul sheet-painters tell us that each of those attacks was an “inside job” or otherwise the result of some conspiracy.)

    Simply sticking our heads in the sand and relying on geographic isolation to protect us isn’t going to work anymore. In a world where an ICBM can kill ten million of your citizens in thirty minutes, there’s no safety in isolation.

    Whether we like it or not, our fate is tied to the Middle East. You drive a car, or ride on a plane, or eat food that wasn’t grown in your back yard? You’re part of the problem.

    That’s the way the world is. All of the righteous indignation in the world isn’t going to change it.

    The fact that Ron Paul is laughably naive on matters of foreign affairs doesn’t make him a bad person, and it certainly doesn’t make him any worse off overall than many of the other candidates, who don’t live in the real world regarding other things.

    The libertarian crowd should’ve gotten Penn from Penn & Teller into the primaries. He’d have about as much chance of winning as Ron Paul, but he’d filet those other clowns in the debates and would do it with a lot more charisma.

    Well, they’d probably have to bleep out half the debate, but that would probably improve ratings.

  6. Jhonka: I am registered as a Republican, specifically so I can vote in the primary.

  7. Correia,
    Shame, shame on you for waiting so long to start your Blog!
    Insightful, intelligent, articulate, and accurate.

    I think I tore my pants.

  8. So is this Rudy’s homepage then?

    http://www.reptoids.com/

  9. Very nicely done. As a result of your werewolf movies post, i’m about to watch Dog Soldiers which poses the question: Who cares about Zombies, whats the best weapon for werewolves?

  10. I gave money to a candidate for the first time in my life yesterday: Ron Paul. He’s the only candidate on either side of the party who doesn’t make me want to vomit.

  11. Ron Paul irritates me, mostly because he claims to be this great force for libertarian politics in the Republican party, but he’s just as neoconservative as the rest of them. I’ll admit I like what he has to say on guns, but you can’t claim to be a libertarian and still want to ban abortion and gay marriage.

    I’m a liberal, but in the classical sense. Hillary pisses me off, Obama’s tolerable but an idiot when it comes to guns, and there’s nobody else worth worrying about at this point.

    Why can’t I get a candidate who will take my tax money, use it for something good, and then LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? Make a few basic laws, provide support for those who need it, but it shouldn’t be the government’s business who I’m sleeping with, what guns I own, what I check out from the library, what medical procedures I get, or whether I can smoke in the privacy of my own home (seriously, anyone who doesn’t know smoking is bad for you at this point deserves cancer).

  12. Mike: I would argue that the best weapon for werewolves is actually a flamethrower. According to most werewolf movies, when it comes to them there’s basically no such thing as stopping power unless you have a tank, so the best strategy becomes maximum panic and alarm.

    Plus I’m pretty sure fire is like the universal “stop the evil monster” weapon. There’s nothing it doesn’t work on except maybe ghosts, and with them you’re fucked anyway unless you’re Catholic and can go a whole movie without some kind of theological crisis.

  13. Nick-

    Where do you get the idea Ron Paul is a neocon? If you’re not going to vote for him that’s fine, but let’s fact check here.

    First, while Dr. Paul is personally against abortions, the only parts of his platform that addresses the subject is that he opposes federal funding for abortions, and that’s cheifly because it’s not Constitutional. He also thinks it’s wrong that the federal government can override a state’s laws on the matter as the states reserve such power under 10A. Read what HR 300 actually says.

    And where on earth do you get this idea he wants to ban “gay marriage”?

    Ron Paul is the candidate most likely to leave you alone out of all of them. His whole platform is to reduce the size of the government so it can’t try to make your decisions for you.

    You may not care to vote for him, but let’s get the fact straight. The whole reason people oppose his candidacy is that he’s not a neocon at all.

  14. >He did not, however, have the nerve to point out that Rudy is actually not human, but rather, is a Reptoid of Hollow Earth. When asked about the allegations that he was a Reptoid, Guilliani put down the fetus sandwich he was eating, and responded “Hisssss, puny humans. I’m the only one that can beat Hillary. BWA HA HA!” <

    It is generally considered polite to give a beverage alert before things like this. You owe me a keyboard (but I’ll take some time and help convincing Spoon she wants a mini Uzi instead of an MP-5)… ;)

    As for werewolves: not worried ther, just keep some MilkBones handy. And ghosts are easy: when the big, booming voice from nowhere intones “GET OUT!”… take it as good advice. What I REALLY want to know is, what caliber for reptoids?

  15. Euclidian –

    From Ron Paul’s website:
    “In Congress, I have authored legislation that seeks to define life as beginning at conception, HR 1094. I am also the prime sponsor of HR 300, which would negate the effect of Roe v Wade by removing the ability of federal courts to interfere with state legislation to protect life.”

    Overturning Roe. v. Wade may put the power to legislate abortion back with the states, but he’s doing it for the purpose of allowing states to ban abortion. To me, that says he wants abortion to be outlawed in as many places as possible.

    From LewRockwell.com, by Ron Paul:

    If I were in Congress in 1996, I would have voted for the Defense of Marriage Act, which used Congress’s constitutional authority to define what official state documents other states have to recognize under the Full Faith and Credit Clause, to ensure that no state would be forced to recognize a “same sex” marriage license issued in another state. This Congress, I was an original cosponsor of the Marriage Protection Act, HR 3313, that removes challenges to the Defense of Marriage Act from federal courts’ jurisdiction. If I were a member of the Texas legislature, I would do all I could to oppose any attempt by rogue judges to impose a new definition of marriage on the people of my state.”

    Again, it’s not as bad as some neocons (he didn’t support the Federal Marriage Amendment, at least), but when push comes to shove he votes against the recognition of gay marriage, which I personally see as a civil rights issue.

    He is significantly more libertarian than the rest of the people running, yes. And were I to vote for a Republican I’d vote for him. But he’s a “lesser of the evils” candidate in my view, not someone who I actually support.

  16. “Overturning Roe. v. Wade may put the power to legislate abortion back with the states, but he’s doing it for the purpose of allowing states to ban abortion. To me, that says he wants abortion to be outlawed in as many places as possible.”

    No, he is doing it because it is up to the states to decide. Whatever one’s feelings are on abortion, there is no right to have one that can be derived from the Constitution.

  17. Roe v. Wade didn’t actually grant a “Constitutional right to an abortion” as many believe. In fact, it was a rather libertarian ruling at its heart–the decision was based on the thought that, regardless of what medical procedure was prompting the law, the government could not tell the people they did not have a right to it. The main rationale was the 14th Amendment, widely seen as granting a “right of privacy,” but also the 9th Amendment, which states that just because a right is not specifically enumerated in the Constitution, does not mean that right does not exist. What Roe v. Wade granted was the ability to keep the government out of your personal medical decisions. It’s a similar decision to the one handed down in Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965, which held that a Consitutional “right to privacy” existed, and as such the state of Connecticut could not ban contraceptives.

  18. Both those decisions may be good, as is privacy, but they are not based on the language of the Constitution, nor the intent of either of those amendments. You may think those were good things for the gov’t to do, but I prefer them to be limited, rather then pulling anything out of the penumbra of the bill of rights.

  19. Personally, I tend to be in favor of anything that restricts the government’s right to legislate morality. But that’s just my view I suppose.

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