This week in the news

In the news this week:  Al Gore wins a Nobel Peace Prize for a bunch of horse-shit. (still better than Yassir-Arafat’s win for “not killing anybody lately”)  Alfred Nobel’s ghost is quoted as saying, “What the hell are you dumb-asses doing?”  Al Gore recently won an Oscar, will win the Pulitzer later this year, won the blue ribbon at the Box Elder County Science Fair for his presentation “Global Warming is not our friend”, and is a current favorite to be America’s Next Top Model. 


California passes a Micro Stamping law, mandating a technology that doesn’t exist, and doesn’t work, thereby pretty much banning semi-automatic handguns.  This is one of the dumbest laws ever.  The idea is that all new guns will have this magical technology that will stamp the serial number on the brass and bullet the instant a shot is fired.  Which means that scumbags will now pick up your brass at the range to sprinkle over the crime scene, while they shoot a revolver.  Schwarzenegger signed this piece of crap, once again proving that he’s about as Republican as Che Guevera. 


Congress boldly condemns the Armenian genocide that happened 90 years ago, and alienates one of our only allies in the middle-east in the process. (next up, a resolution condemning Portugal for the slave trade).  Our heroic representatives take a stand against the Turkish slaughter of Armenians, about four generations after the fact.  At this rate, the Congress of 2132 AD will be ready to address Darfur.    


Congress passes a resolution against talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, for something he didn’t actually say, because our elected reps and their legion of staffers are too friggin’ stupid to read a transcript.  But what does it matter, our reps and the news just make up the facts as they go along anyway.


General Ricardo Sanchez gave a 30 minute speech where 29 minutes and 45 seconds condemns the press for being a bunch of liars, propagandists, and anti-American douche bags that give aid and comfort to our enemy, while boosting the terrorist’s moral, and causing American soldier’s deaths.  15 seconds of the speech was about how Iraq sucks.  Guess which one got quoted a whole bunch?


And on the presidential campaign trail, on the Democrat side a Communist nincompoop and a Socialist harpy vie for supremacy, while the Republican side is being led by a liberal Democrat.  Hip-hip-fricking-hoo-ray.  What a fun time to be a conservative in America.  Rudy Guilliani, a paragon of everything that the Republican party stands for, except for that whole suing the gun companies into oblivion thing, demanding federal funding of abortions for poor people, just being an all around fascist jerk, and other little things like that, is leading the polls, because he happened to be mayor of New York when it got blown up.  Meanwhile, the Punditry keeps telling us why Rudy is The Awesome, because he’s the only one that can beat Hillary, even though for our side to win, we have to win all the South, where they just love to turn out to support anti-gun/pro-abortion/philandering/scumbags.  


Mitt Romney has won some polls, but he’s electable in Massachusetts, where he signed off on an assault weapons ban and gay marriage, both of which are core Republican values, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know right there.  He’s the favorite here in Utah, but that’s because many of the people around me are really stupid.  “Yay!  We’re the same religion!  That means he’ll be a great leader of the free world!” 


Fred Thompson is finally in it, and is getting some air time because he had the audacity to point out that the other Republican front runners weren’t technically Republicans.  This was rather shocking to the news media.  He did not, however, have the nerve to point out that Rudy is actually not human, but rather, is a Reptoid of Hollow Earth.  When asked about the allegations that he was a Reptoid, Guilliani put down the fetus sandwich he was eating, and responded “Hisssss, puny humans.  I’m the only one that can beat Hillary.  BWA HA HA!”   


In local news, Larry Correia won Halo 3 on Legendary, solo, because he rocks to a shockingly high degree.  His seven year old daughter was quoted as saying, “My dad is so cool.  He totally beat up the Covenant.  I’m glad it is over, ‘cause now I can watch cartoons again and he won’t hog the TV no more.”  Mr. Correia’s 2 year old was quoted as saying, “Muffa rg aldb!  AAAHH!  Hay-ho!  Hay-ho!  BOOM!” 


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