One thing I’ve noticed by watching but not participating in social media over the last few months, it doesn’t matter how complex a situation is, people like to act like they’ve got the answers. Even though there are multiple things to worry about, people feel compelled to pick one particular thing to freak out about, and by golly, they’re gonna try and shame anybody who has picked a different particular to freak out about. So if you’re having a come apart about one thing, somebody will yell at you that your thing is stupid, and you should be more worried about their thing instead which is obviously far more important than your dumb thing.
For this epic battle our basic teams are: The Corona Virus is gonna kill us all, Trying to stop the Corona Virus is killing the economy, and Trying to stop #1 and/or #2 will result in government Tyranny/Stupidity/Overreach.
(in reality, these all suck, they’re all bad, a rational person can be concerned about all of them, and there aren’t any simple answers, but oh well. This is the internet, where we say fuck your nuance!)
I noticed this is a lot like picking your fighter in Mortal Kombat—only the Facebook Global Pandemic version is way more annoying—so let’s break down their different special attacks, counters, combos, and finishing moves.
Which is the greatest threat!? Who will win?! CHOOSE YOUR FREAK OUT!
#1. Corona Pandemica, Master of Kung Flu.
This appears to be our most popular character, and is a real powerhouse, high mobility fighter. Your goal is to keep everyone pinned in their corner (a mandatory six feet away, obviously).
Your winning strategy is to share every doom and gloom click bait article possible. Always go with the worst-case scenario estimates, even the ones that have been discredited still work. Reach for the stars. The higher the body count the better.
Speed Attack – Flatten the curve!
Power Attack – “Corona Virus can live for 36 days on all surfaces—including those that are on fire—is airborne for up to 300 miles, can survive sunlight, radiation, lava, lightning, harsh language, and is an excellent tree climber that can infect your gold fish.” Remember, watching CNN basically makes you an epidemiologist, so you don’t have to take crap off anyone.
Counter – Whenever anybody posts anything vaguely positive, how the worst case estimates are unlikely, most countries aren’t dropping like flies, or that the end is in sight, you should immediately dodge their actual point and instead pretend they said “Herp Derp, iT iS oNlY ThE Flu!” so you can safely dismiss them as idiots.
Combo – When the Economy player goes for a combo, press X to activate “You want Grandma to die so billionaires can have another yacht! I AM DISGUSTED.”
Vulnerability – Having to eventually pay your bills. Boredom.
Fatality – Everyone stays home forever, dies alone, and is eaten by their pets.
#2. Thirty Percent Unemployment, Son of the Great Depression
The economic argument is a powerful midgame player which capitalizes on the fact that shit costs money, and magic unicorns aren’t going to slide down a rainbow farting rent money.
Your winning strategy is to get people to admit the basic undeniable reality that this bullshit we’re doing now can’t go on indefinitely.
Speed Attack – I really want tacos. We should go get tacos.
Power Attack – Press A+B to launch Government Stimulus Package. PIGS RAIN FROM THE SKY!
Counter – When player 1 goes all wannabe stasi and calls 911 to report you for being outside, press Y to flash your Essential Employee Badge. “Suck it, Karen, these toilet paper shelves ain’t gonna stock themselves!”
Combo – American ingenuity, 3D printing ventilators, and Pillow Guy.
Vulnerability – Feelings. Actually catching the virus at work and dying from it.
Fatality – Grandma actually does die, but your new yacht is pretty bad ass.
#3. Comrade Gestapo
Saying that the government is going to become increasingly tyrannical because of all this unprecedented overreach is the least popular player, usually reserved for cranky libertarians, but is a powerful late game finisher.
Speed Attack – Am I being detained?
Power Attack – Press X for a real time demonstration that the government sucks at quite literally everything, how at best they’re incompetent, at worst they’re maliciously evil, and that they’ll never let a crisis go to waste… Wow. That is one depressing power attack.
Counter – When the economy people launch Government Stimulus Package, press back and B to engage Pork Shield. “Ha! I paid too much taxes last year so I don’t get a check! Wait… What? Shit.”
Combo – After years of being yelled at that you are paranoid, and don’t really need guns or food storage, press Y to engage Schadenboner, then press A to laugh at your formerly anti-gun friends when they try to borrow a gun from you because NICS is down, the prisoners have been let out of jail, and the cops have all called in sick.
Vulnerability – You sound like an uncaring dork talking about all this while people are sick or losing their jobs. Also, Carol Baskin.
Fatality – Defying all the laws of physics, you somehow manage to DRIVE A TRAIN ONTO A BOAT.
Like all good fighting games, after you’ve battled your way through the other playable characters, now you have to take on the bosses.
Up first you have to fight the News Media. They seem really powerful, but just remember that they’re totally useless hacks, who are absolutely full of shit, and lying their asses off about quite literally everything, and you’ll be fine. If there has ever been a better example in all of American history of what a bunch of useless, vapid, preening, self-important, disconnected from reality, assholes the media is, I can’t think of it.
Just spam punch, and eventually they’ll crumble. For a fatality, once they get laid off tell them to learn to code.
After that you have to get through the mandatory Orange Man Bad stage. This is where you get continually pummeled by morons on the left saying that everything bad in the world is Trump’s ignorant fault, while also being screeched at by morons on the right saying that everything good in the world is Trump’s benevolent doing.
Luckily, both sides are idiots, and not every topic in the fucking universe has to boil down to their idiot team sports. These boring idiots are compelled to make quite literally everything about Trump so just dodge out of the way and let them keep screaming at each other.
(on that note, I think it is hilarious that it turns out the morons who drank fish tank cleaner because “trump told them too” turn out to be huge Hillary supporters with TDS, and the wife has a history of mental problems, break downs, and has been talking about divorcing her husband for years. Wasn’t the murderer taking a less lethal dose of the same poison as the victim to avoid suspicion a plot on Murder She Wrote?)
Then we’ve got our final boss fight, Xi Jinping, aka Winnie the Flu (and just saying that will get anyone reading this post in communist China thrown into a prison camp), because let’s be honest, if this totalitarian piece of shit hadn’t wasted months silencing dissident doctors for trying to warn the world about this virus, and the WHO hadn’t unquestioningly kissed his ass, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.
This is one heck of a boss fight. His attacks consist of having CNN regurgitate his obvious bullshit propaganda without question (oh yeah, we’ve like totally had zero new cases since we kicked all the disloyal reporters out of our country, and somehow the US media is all like YAY CHINA IS MY BEST FRIEND!). Of course, the self-loathing idiots from the previous rounds will all rally around the communist party as being the real heroes now, for donating faulty medical equipment to countries currently battling the problem the communists covered up to begin with. The only way to win this fight is for companies to move their vital production out of China, home, or at least to countries that don’t actively despise us.
Congratulations. If you win the game, your trophy looks like Andrew Cuomo’s nipple rings. Like I warned you above, this game really sucks.